I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize