like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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