i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
