i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
