I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We need to get me chipped asap
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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