It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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