he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize