Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
