Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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