you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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