her facebook's as public as her vagina
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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