I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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