Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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