I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
