you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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