I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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