You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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