Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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