I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize