I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
