I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
