How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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