I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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