You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
