I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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