i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
