Life is so much better after having sex.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
