Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
