o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
