wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
