Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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