I wish I could teleport
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
