part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
