I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
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