Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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