you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
