I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
