How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
