I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
