my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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