I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
