ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
