Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
