maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
