I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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