Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
