Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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