I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
