I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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