o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my sisters under your porch take her home
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Randomize
