Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
