shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
