dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
