Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
