the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
