and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
